I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We are all done wearing pants today
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
