what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
