Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
