My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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