I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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