Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
