who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Reggie can tackle my bush.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
that may or may not have been my penis.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
