remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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