alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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