I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
