It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
