I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
