i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
