So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
