Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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