Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
