Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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