Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
