I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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