I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
