Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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