Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
