I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
