I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
