Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
