Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
