i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
