Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
