How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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