I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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