My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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