looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
