so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
