Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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