I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
They are going to name an STD after you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
