she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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