Fine. I'll sleep in my office
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
