You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
