i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
