Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
