Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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