You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
