dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
