Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
