and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
