also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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