I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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