i jhust puked up my retainher.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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