Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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