mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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